Monday, October 5, 2015

Why I said no

Why I said no, when all I wanted to say was yes.

A few months ago I sat in a car next to an incredible man of God I had just had breakfast with. We had endless conversation of how good the Lord had been to the two of us in the past 11 months.

“How can I pray for you?” he said. 

I didn’t expect it to hit me right then. I didn’t expect to have to explain why I said no, to myself. Tears filling my eyes, and a lump in my throat. Whoop, there it was. A raw, real emotion. The tug between satisfaction in singleness and some great guys asking me out. A real awareness of the unworthiness I felt to be in the place I was.

4 guys in 2 months. What was the Lord doing? Why now? Why at a time when I find myself so satisfied in the goodness and glory of God? Why at a time I just gave one of the hardest no’s I’ve ever had to give? Why at a time I had just been given one of the hardest no's I've ever been given? What was He teaching me? What was He showing me?

What was my answer going to be? 

“Stop being so picky, Lauren. Just go out with them, that’s the nice thing to do” I told myself.

I spend too much time trying to imagine myself married to good men. When I don’t trust the Lord with my no’s. It’s a fear of missing out. A fear the Lord doesn’t know what is best. A fear I should settle. And a fear I may end up settling. A fear the Lord will make me marry somebody who doesn’t know the meaning of dispensationalism, and/or hates climbing mountains. All of them, amazing men of God, but none of them enjoy studying and reading Timothy Keller, and enjoy waking up at 4 am to climb mountains. He could be tall, short, lean, or muscular. He could be older, younger, the life of the party, or the introvert, but what I want him to be is keenly aware of the lostness of the world, the mystery of Scripture, and the glory of Creation. Is that too much to ask? (laughs*)

No, but it leads to a lot of no’s. No to a guy who loved me well, no from a guy I wanted to love well, and no to two guys who wanted to learn to love me well.  And all I could ask myself is why? Why did I say no? Why couldn’t I say yes? Why couldn't it be a yes?!

"Your 25, your biological clock is running out, you should probably get married and start having kids," somebody told me.

If I wasn't already rudely aware of my biological clock, this made me wildly aware. 25, surrounded by friends dating, engaged, married, and having children. I didn't choose the journey I am on, it was chosen for me, by the grace of God. And yet every year I get older, the harder it is to trust God with these "no's." 

"Well, Lord, did you know I am 25? Did you know my biological clock is running out? Did you know I am going to be 26 in 6 months? Did you know it's HARD for me to be single surrounded by friends getting engaged and married all the time? DID YOU KNOW these guys are great guys, why can't I say yes?"

Trusting God in these no’s is harder then trusting God with the yes. Because it is tempting to say yes to the good guys, out of a fear 'that guy' won't ever come along. So yes, guys have asked me out, and I have had to say no. My pickiness about 'that guy' is a deep seated trust the Lord has what is best on His mind. Maybe it isn’t what is easiest, but I never said, “Lord give me an easy life.”

I said, “let me trust you in the unknowns, believing I am your daughter, a co-heir with Christ, provided I suffer with you, that I may also be glorified with you.” And in this season, I will love the unique opportunities I have to share the Gospel with nonbelievers, disciple young believers, and love God with all my heart.

And when I say “yes” when He has told me “no,” I will move forward in forgiveness painfully aware of my need for the grace of God - because this happens, often.

I said, "no" because I am believing God for the "yes" that will bring Him the most glory.

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