Thursday, May 29, 2014

When a heart breaks.

Our hearts break for so many things all of the time: sex-trafficking, orphans, widows, break-ups, cancer, death sickness in general, but we can and will rejoice and give thanks in the midst of those things.

One year ago today I got engaged to my best friend, and the person who "I thought" was the love of my life. It was perfect in every way it could have been, beautiful, and the most loving thing anybody has ever done for me. God was glorified. Being surrounded by friends and family in that moment was incredible, especially having them affirm that we should one day soon get married. And like any other soon-to-be bride the wedding planning begun the day after. However it wasn't easy. The pressure to make everyone happy in planning the date was real and awful. After 6 weeks of being engaged to my best friend, planning a wedding, and buying a wedding dress, he very unexpectedly called it off. With a broken mortified heart I laid many nights in my bed weeping and unsure how I was going to go on with life. I loved him, and yet I could not make him love me.

A few weeks later I took some time off work to drive to Colorado with my dad. There were many nights and mornings on top of a mountain watching sunsets and sunrises, asking the God who created that view, "why on earth would you ever do this to me or allow this to happen? What good could ever come from this?"

And the response:
Silence. Cold, dark, eerie silence.

When our heart breaks our Father's voice is sometimes eerily quiet. And the silence is much more devastating than the event itself, because in that very moment when we need to hear Him, see Him, and feel Him, He feels impossibly far away.

Eli Eli lema sabacthani? (Matthew 27:46)

But we know the rest of the Psalm that Jesus is quoting (Psalm 22:22-26), the Psalmist ends up rejoicing and exhorting his listeners to "fear the Lord and praise him!"

Yet day after day after day, there was silence.

When can I climb out of this dark, cold, wet well Father, when?

to be continued...

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