Monday, December 8, 2014

Why you should watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

Why you should watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show..

Tomorrow, Tuesday December 10, 2014 for one hour of primetime television, Victoria's Secret premieres it's most outrageous, colorful, and expensive lingerie worn by the 'world's most beautiful women.' They feature many well known artists, backstage interviews, and a $10 million+ 'Fantasy Bra.' 

A few facts:

In 2013 10.3 million people tuned into the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Twice as many women watched the show as men. In a pole done on Entertainment Weekly's site, 34.75% of people said they watched the show for the boobs, 24.54% said they watched the show for the models, and 18.19% of people said they watched the show for the insane, sparkly outfits.

One commenter said, "I watched it because my daughter wants to be a model and to show her what goes on while being a model! and some of the perks of being a good model, you can walk the Victoria Secret runway! that's why."

What I don't need to tell you is whether or not you should watch it. Of course the arguments are listless for young teenage and young adult women to not watch it, as well as for men. Only you can know whether you can watch these women walk across stage with their endlessly long legs, incredibly tiny torsos, and surprisingly large breasts, and have pure thoughts (men) and security in your identity (ladies). You be the judge of your own heart when you turn on the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show of 2014. But what I would like to say is a little different.

While in Thailand this past year, I saw many women parading the streets of Pattaya wearing scantly clad clothing/lingerie and selling themselves to men for sex. However, I was there to love them, to share Good News about their identity with them, and to ask them their stories. So what is the difference between walking the streets in Thailand, and sitting on the other side of a television screen watching women parade themselves across a stage in scantly clad clothing? 

My heart.

My heart is the biggest difference. You see my heart while sitting and watching the VS fashion show is not to love those girls, hear their stories, or share the good news about their identity in their Creator with them. Why? Because this is a safe place, they will never hear the things I say about them, and I am "just watching TV". My heart is to judge them and myself. My heart thinks things like, "how could these girls parade their bodies like that? How could they want to be a sex symbol in an age where we are trying to fight pornography addictions in men? Why would they want to be half naked in front of 10.3 million+ people? Maybe I should be that beautiful, Dang I need to work out more, etc." Or even to the degree, "Whatever, I mean they are pretty, but they put themselves in a position to be mistreated by men, and at least I don't parade around in lingerie." Instead of: "I wonder what got them to this place in life? I wonder what her story is? I wonder if anybody has told her she is beautiful not because of the way she looks but because of what is in her heart? I wonder if she knows the God who created her?" I wonder how much our hearts could change while watching the VS Fashion Show, if we were more willing to see the worth of these women, not based off of what they are or aren't wearing, but based off of them being a human being created in the image of God.

Maybe it is unrealistic to think we should be watching TV shows with less judgement, and more love. But 1 Corinthians 10:31 still rings true, even while you are watching the VS Fashion Show, "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

So turn on the VS Fashion Show, and love those girls across the TV screen with your thoughts and words and be careful of your heart-it is deceitful above all things. Or don't watch the VS Fashion Show because you know you can't with a sound heart and mind, either way, love your neighbor as yourself (including your neighbor across the TV screen).

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Friday, November 21, 2014

Cancer Sucks

Last night I walked into the gym with two of my friends to go work out. A sweet middle-aged woman was working the counter. She couldn't seem to find my friend and I's information so she just said yall just go ahead and go through. I noticed something was wrong with her eyes, but didn't want to ask her in front of everybody else around if something was wrong. After we had just finished working out and finished sitting in the sauna we were packing up our stuff to leave and the same lady (the lady from the front counter) walked in to collect towels. Her eyes though, there was something about her eyes and I felt I should ask her if something was wrong. So I looked at her and said, "are you okay?" She quickly responded, "no." And I quickly responded, "o I mean do you have allergies or something?" And she instantly reacted by putting her face down, crying and managed to utter out, "no I don't have allergies." As I walked closer to her I looked at her and said, "what's wrong?"

Side note: the Lord is worthy of his glory, every ounce of it however and whenever and I feel so abundantly honored that one of the ways He receives glory is by opening our eyes to see the things that make his heart cry.?

In this moment, the Holy Spirit intercepted time and space to sovereignly be in the woman's locker room of the local YMCA. She looked up with tears streaming down her face and said, "my friend just died from cancer." Not at all what I was expecting to hear her say or confess, but while being shocked I thought, "what do I say now?" All I wanted to say was, "cancer sucks, death sucks, and it sucks that we have to encounter such a reality that robs us of life." Thankfully, the spirit helps us in our weakness for we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words (Romans 8:26). She needed prayer. She needed to be seen in her pain. The justification of her pain and tears needed to be recognized by others. And most of all she needed to know she is not alone. And that she is loved. 

And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:28-31

Love looks like holding a stranger while she mourns the loss of a friend. And love looks like feeling the tears roll down your cheek because the Lord has opened your eyes to see the things that make His heart cry.

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Monday, October 6, 2014

I believe

I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidian mind of man, that in the world’s finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, of all the blood they’ve shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened with men...

The Brothers Karamazov, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

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Monday, September 22, 2014

When you meet 3 strange men

Today I met three strange mice, and by mice I mean men.
And by strange I mean strangers.

The first one's name is Jean. He was my taxi driver this morning to the Orlando International airport. I hopped in his nice car and he welcomed me so kindly. I soon asked him where he was originally from (I could tell he had an accent). He began to tell me his life story, that he is originally from Haiti but has lived in the states with his immediate family for 20 years. He has two sons, one 12 and one 6. He loves Jesus a lot. And he told me it isn't just because he grew up in the church, but because he made a decision to follow Jesus. He wants to go back to Haiti, to a village in the mountain with his wife and children to serve his people in Haiti. He told me, "many people buy things and cars and stuff, but my father always told me those things are not worth anything, but if you invest in people you are investing in souls." That's when we missed the exit and had to turn around because we got distracted talking. Jean is an honest man, with an honest heart, with a willingness to serve me whole-heartedly, and desire to return to his home and serve his people. In the meantime, I am thankful for his service in our country.

Second is my friend Aaron. There was one seat left in the exit row on my 1:30 flight from Orlando, Florida to Denver Colorado. It was in the middle of two men. One who is 32, lives in Denver and is named Aaron. Almost immediately after I sat down he asked me if I was on my way home. After talking for about an hour I did some school work and then he asked me about my pictures from Haiti on my computer that he saw. After sharing the story of Ella Grace with him he told me "wow, how lucky, well I mean you know what I mean. I mean how lucky you were to be able to love her for that time." Yes, very lucky. After we had landed I asked him how he was getting home (he lives in Arvada as well) because I was going to have to pay for a taxi or the A-line home. He was like oh yea, I have a car I mean we drove. I asked him if there was a chance he could give me a ride home and he immediately said "yes of course!" 1 hour later and I had arrived home in Arvada without having to pay for a taxi (thank you Jesus).

Third is my friend AJ. He is the most interesting of the three to me because I see the most intentionality of the Lord in my friendship with him. At about 8:30 pm tonight I went to Kinkos to get some of my notes for my seminary classes printed off. I sneezed as I walked in and AJ said, "bless you do you have allergies or are you allergic to Kinkos?" Haha. I showed him all I needed to get printed and he started printing it for me. In the mean time this other man was having trouble with his copy machine so AJ helped him out then the man finished and left. AJ and I were talking a lot about music and the purpose of life. He asked me what I do so I told him about YWAM. He was intrigued that many students find the purpose of life while in DTS, and began to explain to me that he doesn't think he will ever find the purpose of life. We talked and talked and talked as he finished putting together everything I needed printed and then he began to close the store. I was about to walk out when he said, "hey, you are welcome to stay and hang out for a bit while I finish closing the store." I thought to myself 'Of course I would love to stay in Kinkos while you close the store, why am I in such a hurry' and hung around while he closed the door. We ventured outside and sat on the curb as he told me about his grandma and grandpa, his ex-girlfriend and his need for a second job. I asked him why he needed a second job and he told me that he has to help his grandparents out because they don't have work and they need help paying bills. AJ wants to be a professional piano player. He loves to read books, and he loves his grandparents like I have never seen somebody love their grandparents. He is seeking the answers to life's greatest questions, and I have many guy friends who I know would love to tell him. Pray that as we spend time with AJ and befriend him, that he will come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ as his savior and Lord. The Spirit is stirring in AJ.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Did Jesus really die for our #happiness?

What happens when people start believing what Victoria Osteen has said on TV?

They start believing Jesus died for their #happiness

Victoria says:

"So I just want to encourage everyone of us to realize when we obey God (laughs) we're not doing it for God, I mean that's one way to look at it, we're doing it for ourselves; because God takes pleasure when we're happy. That's the thing that gives him the greatest joy this morning, so I want you to know this morning: just do good for your own self, do good cause God wants you to be happy. When you come to church, when you worship him, you're not doing it for God really, you're doing it for yourself, because that's what makes "God" happy (lifts hands) Amen?! Let's open our hearts to him today."

(May not want to mention this ^ to Job.)

Thousands clapped their hands and said amen. Why? Because it is exactly what we want to hear. We want to hear that God makes us happy. We want to hear that God takes pleasure when we are happy. We want to hear that what gives him the greatest joy is our obedience for ourselves. We have 'itching ears' to hear that when we come to church and worship him we're not doing it for God really but for ourselves.

So what's so wrong with the fact that this is what the Osteen's claim is one of their beliefs?:

Because they aren't living by it. They are actually taking scripture and completely manipulating it, or one could argue, they aren't even using scripture to make their claims.

"For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry." 2 Timothy 4:3-5

When the 'Christian' world is clinging to this false gospel, the world is groaning with expectancy (Romans 8:19-20) for the True Gospel. The world is longing for the Truth (1 Peter 3:18) that sets them free. And the world is longing for a hope above all other hopes that takes them into a relationship with a living, loving, and righteous Father.

But we mustn't forget what Paul wrote in verse 6 of 2 Timothy: "For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come."

Or what Romans 8 says, "he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in uswho walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." And if we walk according to the flesh, or according to our #happiness we will die. "For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

And we mustn't get confused about why God has us here.

What if I said it was never about us? What if I said the Gospel was really not about what God did for us. Would it make you angry? Would it make you sad? Would the idols inside of you well up and scream out?

Did Jesus really die for our happiness? I mean, is that really how cheap grace is? Let's think back to when we received Grace. 

What did grace do for you? Did it make you stand proudly and say, "wow, now look what Christ has done for me, he has made me happy!"

Grace made us stagger. Grace made us wounded, humble, and broken before a Holy and perfect God. Grace made us see the darkness of our sin, and come crawling on our knees to the cross longing for the Light. Grace made us desperate for love and mercy. Grace walked out of the grave. And Grace showed His nail-pierced hands to us. Not to make us #happy, to make us whole. To give us the opportunity to proclaim Grace to the world.

"For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord as the waters cover the sea." Habakkuk 2:14

There's no bigger obstacle to loving God well than our own thorny pride which causes our minds, bodies, and souls to seek advancement and goodness for ourselves. We think about ourselves. We desire happiness. We pursue the avenue which best uplifts ourselves, even at the cost of others. But Grace turns our world upside down and inside out. Grace says it isn't about you, it was never about you. Grace says, "But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 1 Timothy 1:16

We are here to be living testimony's of God's Grace. We are here to proclaim the glory of God with every breath we take. And we are here to "conquer [Satan] by the blood of the lamb and by the word of our testimony, because [we will] love not our lives even unto death." Reveleation 12:11

Let us as brothers and sisters in Christ never forget or deny the burden which Paul carried for the lost. And let us not forget the jealousy of our Father "who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth." 1 Timothy 2:4

Let's not forget that the Bible doesn't say in Matthew 5, "blessed are those who do good for themselves because it makes them happy" but it says, blessed are: the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, and blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you. That's the Gospel.

"I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit—that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh. They are Israelites, and to them belong the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the worship, and the promises. To them belong the patriarchs, and from their race, according to the flesh, is the Christ, who is God over all, blessed forever. Amen." Romans 9:1-5 ESV

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Other sources for further reading:
1. Piper, John The Pleasures of God: 1991
2. The Gospel Coalition Blog

Monday, August 18, 2014

Why sacrificial giving is so important when everybody is giving

During the current rave of the #icebucketchallenge to raise awareness of ALS,

Here are the facts:
1. What is ALS? ALS, or Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis is often referred to as "Lou Gehrig's Disease." It is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed. (ALSA.ORG)
2. What is the cause of ALS? Although the cause of ALS is not completely understood, the recent years have brought a wealth of new scientific understanding regarding the physiology of this disease.
3. Is there a cure? While there is not a cure or treatment today that halts or reverses ALS, there is one FDA approved drug, riluzole, that modestly slows the progression of ALS as well as several other drugs in clinical trials that hold promise.
4. Why are you giving? In the past decade, major changes in the pharmaceutical industry and the drug development landscape have taken place. The severity of ALS, the absence of effective therapy, and the importance of finding treatments for all neurodegenerative diseases have combined to make ALS an attractive target for new approaches to drug discovery and development.
5. Why donate sacrificially? It costs an estimated $1-2 billion to develop a new drug; the development process takes a decade or more; and the failure rate for drug development is approximately 95 percent. As a consequence, many pharmaceutical companies have been forced to downsize their operations, especially in the areas of early drug discovery, and in the highest-risk areas, including CNS research.
6. Is there any hope then? YES! New models for drug discovery are emerging as a result. The reliance on outsourcing for the earlier stages of drug development means that small biotechnology companies and academic medical institutions have an increasingly important role in setting priorities for therapy development. The ALS Association has been instrumental in keeping the flow of therapy development strong throughout this transitional period in the pharmaceutical industry. ALSA's TREAT ALS™ program catalyzes important new discoveries that are now being used to design new treatments, as they facilitate partnerships among academic medicine, biotechs, and large pharmaceutical companies.
In light of this awakening of ALS attention, it's imperative to remember what Christ has called us to.
This is a man named David, who has ALS.

"David is the longest living patient of the Oregon Chapter of the ALS Association, and he endures his illness with grace and humor, far more than I believe I could muster under similiar circumstances. Until you experience this disease up-close, you don't really have any concept of the devastation it wreaks on those who have it, those who love them, and those that are the caregivers. David has taken part in clinical trials that he knew were too late to benefit him but that we all hope will further the necessary research to end suffering for those diagnosed in the future," says his sister Katherine.
Why is David's story so important?
Because he is an example of a sacrificial giver. Although he knows the clinical trials can not benefit him, he still counted the cost for others with this terrible disease and has donated time and energy to help researchers find a cure.
Luke 21:1-4 "Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. And he said, “Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”
The woman could have given one, but by giving two she was trusting God was going to take care of her. Her offering was an act of faith. Numerically it was lower than others, but it was far beyond spiritually because she gave sacrificially. I'm not saying we as believers have to give to ALS, although it is a very worthy organization. All I am challenging my Christian brothers and sisters with is to sacrificially give in a season when it's "cool" to give. We can make an impact on many organizations if we are willing to sacrificially give. But don't sacrificially give because you feel like you have to! Count it a joy to donate your hard earned money to help researchers find a cure to ALS (, to help provide water for those without it ( or to provide food for the hungry (
I can't say whether this #icebucketchallenge is right or wrong. It has brought an incredible amount of attention to an organization that seems faithful to providing as much help as possible for ALS patients, as well it has topped the ALSA's donations from last year at this time, by 60% according to the organizations national office. Last year ALSA received $32,000, this year they have received $5.5 million. For that I have to believe there is much good coming from this ice bucket challenge. But I also wonder how much bigger of an impact we could have if we all were thinking sacrificially like David and the woman with two copper coins. Instead of taking the ice bucket challenge I challenge you to "not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing" and donate to a worthy cause. While the #icebucketchallenge is hitting your Facebook news feed and "everybody's doling it" challenge yourself with the Word of Truth and give until it hurts. Then that $5.5 million will turn into $150 million.
On average people have donated $40, which is .07% of the average household income in the United States. And according to the challenge, you can actually avoid giving by taking the ice bucket over your head. My final challenge to you is not to give up pouring the ice bucket over yourself (please keep the hilarious videos coming), but to count the cost like David and still give in remembrance of somebody you know and for the hope of future patients affected by ALS.
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All information taken from:

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Love at Lovefield

Last night Alyssa VanderWall and I were "jokingly praying" that I would meet somebody in the airport today on my way home to Birmingham that I could give my support packet to and that I wouldn't need to buy anymore support packets...

Well due to a crazy series of events I ended up in the Dallas-Lovefield airport for 7 hours, ended up at a bar watching the Argentina-Switzerland game, and ended up standing across from two men from different parts of the United States that were in Dallas on a business trip. After watching the game with them, and talking with them for an hour or so before the USA game started, learning about the companies they both owned, they asked me what I do. After sharing my testimony with them and sharing with them about YWAM, one of the men said, "hey give me your address and I will send you an iPhone! Obviously you need a new one (my iPhone is shattered)!" Humbled and thankful for this providence. Then he asked if I would come sit down with them and share more about YWAM. I happened to have a support packet in my backpack. After pulling it out and showing it to him he asked if he could keep it! (of course I let him keep it!)

Right before the USA game started I had left to go to the bathroom then came back to the bar and he said to me, "well my partner and I were just talking and we really want to support you and what you are doing for God with more than just a new phone."

I just CANNOT BELIVE IT. Even in our "joking prayers" He hears the truth of our hearts and sees a way to bring the Kingdom together by sovereignly not letting me get on my 2 pm flight to Birmingham and having to stay until 7 o'clock. Just saying yes to God who loves us and cares for us more than we could ever ask or imagine.

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Friday, June 27, 2014

Lete: Blessed

She had her whispy black hair pulled back in a tight little pony tail. Wrinkles across her forehead, a story for each one, and her white uniform collared shirt tucked neatly into her pants.

Another night, another drive around LAX, take busy people to all the places they needed to go, oh the places they go. Her devotion had gone unnoticed. Nobody knew her story. Nobody cared to know her name. But tonight.

Her name is Lete. And she is the LAX taxi driver who has been faithfully devoted to driving that taxi for 5 years. Her journey began in a far different place though: Eritrea, Africa (north Eastern Coast of Africa). Never having gone to school, she worked on a small farm her whole childhood. Her family lived impoverished though, and she knew there had to be a way to take better care of them. So 17 years ago she had the opportunity to move to Los Angeles, California and find work. With knowing no English she filled whatever jobs she could and tried to learn English as fast as she could. She lived with her sister, and sent the money she made to her family in Eritrea.

"Do you like being a taxi driver?"

"Well it's a job."

"If you could be anything you want to be what would you be?"

"I don't know."

"Do you have any children?"

"No, no children."

"Are you married?"

"No, no I'm not."

"Do you want to be married?"

"I mean i don't know, I chose this, I just want to take care of my family back in Eritrea so they aren't poor."

One of the most sacrificial selfless women I've ever met. One of the greatest sisters in Christ I have ever met. And thousands of people have gotten in and out of her cab and have moved on with their lives, never knowing that they missed one of the most "blessed" women in the world, and never knowing that their definition of "blessed" may be a bit skewed.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." (Matthew 5:3-9 ESV)

She has had a broken spirit, she has mourned for her countrymen and her family, she is meek, she hungers and thirsts for a right relationship with God, she is merciful, she is pure in her heart, and she is the peacemaker in her family.

And many people will sit in her taxi cab, never knowing that one of the greatest examples of Jesus Christ was sitting 2 feet away from them and was named Lete.

So I dare you to let Heaven invade earth today and listen to a stranger's story.

Tonight I was thankful for Los Angeles traffic (even at 10:15 pm), and honored to meet such an incredible woman.


Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Freedom of Forgiveness

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” 

-C.S. Lewis

Shouting out the name of Jesus from the highest rooftops in the darkest places.
Reviving my soul to its original degree of joy and laughter.
Bringing life to me again so I can share the love of Christ with everybody who the Lord calls me to love.

These are all things that living in the freedom of forgiveness can do to one who simply obeys the Lord's command: to forgive.

"and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12)
"forgive, and you will be forgiven..." (Luke 6:37)
"bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" (Colossians 3:13)

And they are COMMANDS they are not a choice or an option.

And last but not least: "Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times but seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:21-22).

This last scripture is the one which convicted me the most when I was praying and asking the Lord for forgiveness. Peter says how often will my BROTHER sin against me, and I forgive him? The greek word for brother in this context is adelphos which means 'a brother whether born of the same two parents or one parent; having the same national ancestor, a fellow believer; brethren in Christ.'

Not only are we supposed to forgive those who hurt us period, but also we are called to forgive our BROTHER who sins against us seventy times seven.

Every day this verse would haunt me. The longer I hadn't forgiven my brother, the greater the weight grew. And I couldn't possibly continue carrying it day after day. Like I said before, living in unforgiveness is living in bondage.

And it is all about will and emotion. I continued telling myself that I would forgive him, even when my emotions were not following, and finally one morning my emotions obeyed my will. It wasn't that I didn't love him anymore, it was that I still loved him. I loved him and Jesus enough to know I couldn't continue in the chains of bitterness. My heart could no longer hold anything against him or over him, the towel had been wrung dry. And I was ready and willing to love him again, not wishing anything bad to happen to him, but to love him purely as a brother and friend.

But there are many faces to forgiveness. Even though I felt like when I forgave him on January 4th that that would be the end of forgiveness, it wasn't. Every day I have to make a decision to live in the freedom of forgiveness. This means there can be no harsh words that can come out of my mouth about him. When I speak of him my conscience can and must be clear. Because he is somewhere in the world right now living a life that is honoring to Christ, obeying God's will and learning to love Jesus better. For me to speak evil, unkindness or bitterness over him would not be loving him well. In fact it wouldn't be loving him at all. We think that in some sort of weird sick way we can bring redemption to our circumstances by holding bitterness and anger over someone who has hurt us, but in reality we are only holding it over ourselves. My brother in Christ, I know, did the hardest thing he probably has ever had to do, and he had to live with the hurt and pain that he knows it brought me. But me continuing to hold bitterness over him, just makes me continue living in the chains of un-forgiveness, and most of all it doesn't represent the Christ, who forgave every sin that I have ever committed or ever will commit, well.

I said yes to learning to love my brother in Christ in a way that left me with a broken heart, but I can safely say on this side of things, my love for people is more genuine and rich now than it ever has been, because it better reflects the glory of Christ. To love fiercely the way Christ did is to risk getting hurt.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

So keep loving fiercely, with the risk of getting your heart broken, knowing that at some point it will be broken again, but forgive more than you don't. The freedom of forgiveness is a precious gift the Lord has given us to learn and be and walk according to His ways.

Forgive somebody today, it's a very good thing.

You can read the first two parts to this blog here:
When a heart breaks (Part 1)
Rotting un-forgiveness (Part 2)

Someday I pray, I will be able to forgive those who hurt me even while I am in the midst of the pain and suffering as my Savior did, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

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Monday, June 2, 2014

rotting un-forgiveness

A continuation of the previous story found here: When a Heart Breaks

When can I climb out of this dark, cold, wet well Father, when?

Thus, many nights of tearful begging to the Lord continued...

But there was a hope deep inside of me. There was a hope hidden in the inner part of my heart where my deepest desires hid. The hope of the living Christ inside me. The hope that no matter how far I tried to run away from Him, He would still draw near to me. A hope that no matter how far I felt away from Him He was still near to me.

And all I knew was that I couldn't continue on the path I was on, but that I needed to be surrounded by beautiful Jesus-lovers that would speak the Truth over me even when I didn't want to hear it. I needed to be surrounded by people who would not judge me for what had happened, or that would think they could fix what had happened.

And the Lord gave me YWAM Denver. So I quit my dream job and set out on a journey to YWAM Denver to do a Discipleship Training School with 49 other broken students. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I knew I needed to find out if God, the God who "allowed all of this crap to happen in my life," was actually real. I needed to know that I know that I know that He was real, alive, and that He had never forsaken me.

So there I found myself on top of a mountain at a YWAM base in Eagle Rock, Colorado with a bitter unforgiving heart.

And the worst part about having an unforgiving heart is KNOWING that you have an unforgiving heart.

It wasn't that I hadn't forgiven him, I had said every morning since I woke up after that awful day in July that I had forgiven him, but my heart had told me something completely different.

Bitterness and un-forgiveness was deeply rooted in my heart, and it was going to take an open heart surgery to get it out. So every morning the routine continued, "Lord, I forgive him, I no longer want this inside of me, please don't let me be bitter towards him. Please let me move on. Please let me love and be loved by others again. Please let me feel you fully again, I know this un-forgiveness is hindering me from you." But I was saying out loud "I forgive him I forgive him I forgive him."

And month after month of praying, fasting, and pleading, still I saw the un-forgiveness in my heart. And it looked as bad as it felt. It looked like short-tempered, rude, snide remarks towards people who I knew were just trying to love me. It looked like the rolling of my eyes when somebody talked about their boyfriend or the so called 'love of their life.' It looked like testing my leaders and teachers to see whether their love for me was genuine. And it looked like me pushing people away that genuinely loved me and cared for me.

And it couldn't continue. It drove me crazy carrying the weight of unforgiveness in my back pocket. It made my feet heavy like I had a ball and chain connected to them. It made my shoulder hunch over as if I was carrying a barbell on my shoulders with a 100 lbs on each side. It made my creative fingers  stiffen and not be able to create. It was disgusting. And like any sickness it drove me crazy.

I praise God every day that I had such an incredible group of people surrounding me who cared for me more deeply than I ever understood. If it wasn't for them I never would have experience the freedom of forgiveness that I experienced on January 4, 2014. I woke up early with a ready and expectant heart.

There I was laying in my bed in Chiang Mai, Thailand, praying for the very guy who had broken my heart 7 months earlier. And there in that moment the Lord said, "you have forgiven him. It is over, and all un-forgiveness and bitterness has left your heart."

A series of laughter, and crying continued after that as I rejoiced with my team in everything the Lord had done in me. And a sweet moment of worship of my most holy and worthy King on top of a building looking out over the city of Chiang Mai, Thailand.

to be continued..

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Thursday, May 29, 2014

When a heart breaks.

Our hearts break for so many things all of the time: sex-trafficking, orphans, widows, break-ups, cancer, death sickness in general, but we can and will rejoice and give thanks in the midst of those things.

One year ago today I got engaged to my best friend, and the person who "I thought" was the love of my life. It was perfect in every way it could have been, beautiful, and the most loving thing anybody has ever done for me. God was glorified. Being surrounded by friends and family in that moment was incredible, especially having them affirm that we should one day soon get married. And like any other soon-to-be bride the wedding planning begun the day after. However it wasn't easy. The pressure to make everyone happy in planning the date was real and awful. After 6 weeks of being engaged to my best friend, planning a wedding, and buying a wedding dress, he very unexpectedly called it off. With a broken mortified heart I laid many nights in my bed weeping and unsure how I was going to go on with life. I loved him, and yet I could not make him love me.

A few weeks later I took some time off work to drive to Colorado with my dad. There were many nights and mornings on top of a mountain watching sunsets and sunrises, asking the God who created that view, "why on earth would you ever do this to me or allow this to happen? What good could ever come from this?"

And the response:
Silence. Cold, dark, eerie silence.

When our heart breaks our Father's voice is sometimes eerily quiet. And the silence is much more devastating than the event itself, because in that very moment when we need to hear Him, see Him, and feel Him, He feels impossibly far away.

Eli Eli lema sabacthani? (Matthew 27:46)

But we know the rest of the Psalm that Jesus is quoting (Psalm 22:22-26), the Psalmist ends up rejoicing and exhorting his listeners to "fear the Lord and praise him!"

Yet day after day after day, there was silence.

When can I climb out of this dark, cold, wet well Father, when?

to be continued...

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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

My Darlin'

My Darlin',

It's your second birthday in Heaven! I miss you more today then I did yesterday but the Lord has been so good to me and given me so much joy today. I had a birthday party for you! Definitely wasn't the same without you here, but I know you received the balloons in Heaven! And I know Jesus held you extra tight today. I can't imagine what it feels like to be held by Him (I'm sure it's much greater then the times I held you :).

It's been two years since I last saw you, and your love is still teaching me things often. When Jesus let me be your mom for the last 6 weeks of your life, He knew what He was doing, and He knew I needed a precious soul like yours in my life. It broke me, but Jesus has made me whole, and I am thankful.

Our Father spoke to me this morning. He told me to believe this truth about you today my darlin':
"What is sown is perishable, what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body; there is also a spiritual body." [1 Corinthians 15:42-44] You are imperishable! And you are treasured. And I am treasuring His Word today and forever, holding it close to my heart.

He is good.

Happy Birthday my beautiful darlin' Daughter!

Hope you had an extravagant birthday in Heaven with many angels praising our Jesus with you!

To read about the day EG went to be with the Lord: click here
To read about her first birthday in Heaven: click here

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Sunday, April 13, 2014

God's Not Dead

God's Not Dead

Went into this movie not expecting to be challenged so much. However almost immediately after the movie had started the Lord challenged me, "would you be willing to stand in front of this full movie theater and share the Gospel after this movie is over?"

I continued thinking about this question the Lord had asked me, and continued watching the movie.

But He kept stirring my heart and challenging me to love all of those people well by sharing with them.

Then the main character in the movie-Josh- quotes C.S. Lewis,
"Only real risk reveals the quality of one's belief."

"Was it worth the risk Lauren?" the Spirit inside of me asked.

What was I really risking? It's not like I would ever see these people again. No, the risk was nobody responding to the Gospel, nobody responding to what I would say. But the Lord is so good to us, and doesn't hold us responsible for how people respond, just to whether we said it or not.

I do believe that Jesus Christ is the "power of salvation to all who believe" (Romans 1:16). So it was worth the risk.

The movie ended, I went down the stairs and stood in front of everybody, yelling over the music "if anybody wants to know how to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior you are welcome to come talk to me and my lovely YWAM friends."

Nobody came, but that wasn't the point right?

The point was for me to be obedient to what Jesus had told me, that is what I will be held accountable to.

That's what we are all held accountable to. Not whether people accept or reject the Gospel, but that we were willing to share it with them in obedience to Christ.

After all, "How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” (Romans 10:14-15).

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Saturday, April 5, 2014

The impenetrable darkness becomes penetrable

I know what she is doing Lord. She is running away from you. She knows you have found her where she is. She knows you have been waiting for her to come running into your arms. She has been in the dark Lord, indulging in the darkness and the fleeting satisfaction of the world. But in that dark musty dungeon, there is a small amount of light seeping in through the cracks. It's been so long since she has seen the True Light her eyes cannot handle it, so she tries to cover it up. She temporarily covers the hole with her hand while she turns around and refocuses her attention on the gate to the dungeon.

On one hand she wants to escape but she is thinking the way to escape is by enticing the gatekeeper, when in reality the Light that is hurting her eyes is what is going to free her from the dungeon. She is too focused on the world's way of escape to realize that the True Escape is breaking through the walls. Ironically enough we don't think when Peter got out of prison it wasn't because the gate was opened by the guard, it's because the Lord brought him out of there and they simply walked out of the prison.

For the longest time my sweet sister, and every other believer in this world did not know you were imprisoned. But you were imprisoned to the ways of this world. The darkness did not seem as darkness because your indulgences gave you the false promise and temporary light. As long as you were indulging in these things, you didn't know you were in the darkness. Then by God's grace He shined an eternal light (the moon) a slight light for the night to show you the darkness that surrounds you. Then you are AWARE. Then you can see the darkness that you have been entangled in. But just seeing it doesn't free you. You then have to trust that little sliver of light that is seeping through the cracks. Although it hurts, you must trust that it will release you from the dungeon.

And she isn't sure, she hasn't fully trusted that what you are bringing Lord is immeasurably more than what she can imagine.

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Thursday, February 27, 2014

The one.

As I sit here on my couch in a warm cabin with my two puppies, peacefully surrounded by snow, with a full fridge, a warm fire, and a good book I can't help but think about the one.

The one who has a soul. The one who has a Maker. The one who has a Father, earthly and eternal. The one who was created to bring Him glory. The one who seems to have no voice. The one who has long brown hair, big brown eyes, and the most endearing smile you ever could see. The one with the tiny frame but hugely welcoming heart. The one who hides behind the little clothing she has on, when it's feverishly cold outside and she is supposed to be "working."

She looked to be 14 years old when we passed by her as Elizabeth and I were prayer walking through the bar streets in the early afternoon.

"Let's stop and talk to her!"
"Okay!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

Early into the conversation we found out she was sitting outside of the bar waiting for her boss to get there. She looked tired, but was excited to have someone talking to her. After talking to her for a few minutes we managed to tell her in the little english she could understand that we would be back that evening to hang out with her.

The time rolled around for us to leave and go hang out with her. We managed to bring our translator with us, and went straight to the bar where she worked.

We played "bar games" with her (connect four, jenga, and pool) and greatly enjoyed her laughing at how bad we were! After getting to know her on a surface level (where she is from, how old she was-21 not 14, etc.) we begun to ask her about her job, and why she was there..

She wasn't taken.
She wasn't trafficked.
She wasn't drugged.

She was coerced to find a means to take care of herself and her family-by her family. After not being able to find a job with her accounting certificate, her family told her to resort to whatever she had to offer.

And somehow she along with thousands and thousands and thousands of other girls resorted to prostitution with no other choice.

So she is the one. The one many tears have been cried for. The one who the Lord allowed me to suffer this summer for. The one the Lord allowed me to go through 3 months of being showered with love in Denver, Colorado for. The one the Lord allowed Elizabeth and I to travel to the other side of the world for. The one the Lord expanded my heart for. And the one who I can never forget.

She is the one.
The one the Lord proved He so sovereignly had His hand on since the first day she accepted Christ, and the day she walked away from Him. The one the Lord is wooing back to Himself. The one who does not have to live in shame. The one who will be welcomed into the Kingdom with open arms by a Savior whose blood rescued her soul. The one who will be/has been freed from slavery/bondage.

The one who the day after we spoke to her, told us she was going home.

Now you can pray for that one. You can pray that while she is home (right now) that she will be bold and tell her family what she told us when we talked to her (that she didn't want to be doing that, she knew it was wrong, and she didn't think she would ever be forgiven for it). And that her family will not make her return to that work. As well you can pray she will find a job in accounting or be able to go back to school. Thank you for praying with me, and supporting me as I was blessed to be able to meet this one because of your faithful prayers for me.

I don't fully understand God's plans, or how everything connects (more on this later), but I will say I am beyond grateful to have been counted worthy to experience the pain and suffering from this past summer in order for the Lord to get me to Thailand, on that specific street, on that day, to talk to the one. His sovereignty continues to astound me. His grace continues to abound.

Thanks be to Him who deserves all glory and honor and praise.

The one - Peung, perhaps number 14,765,456.
^ "Because You are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you." [Isaiah 43:4]

Peung, daughter of the most High God that I cannot wait to rejoice in Heaven with someday.

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We are in it to end it.