Monday, April 15, 2013

What I never told you

Ella Grace,

There is something I never told you during that day.

When I sat outside those two white doors next to my precious friend Rhyan, and all of the thoughts were running through my head of what could possibly happen
When I heard that Canadian doctor tell me, "what happens happens"
When I sat on that bench with my head on my knees begging the Lord to make sense of it all
When Rhyan looked at me with true, honest, Christ-centered eyes and told me she was there for me
When my heart couldn't stand to be separated from you as your poor little body suffered on that huge hospital bed
When my arms pushed through the doors and ran to hold your tiny little hand again
When I looked at your body and longed to take away the suffering
When you opened your eyes and looked straight into mine

I knew where you were going. 

I knew the Lord had already called you to Himself. I knew that He was holding you rocking you, and teaching you to live in the freedom of knowing Him. I knew that you were in the presence of Jesus because you slept so peacefully with your eyes closed. It was only when you awakened to see this world so full of sin and sorrow that you began to scream and cry. It was only when your eyes saw the deep depths of despair that this world brings that you wanted to return to your sweet slumber.

When I carried you into the Children's room
When I sat next to you on the bed and wondered how long we would have to be in that sorrow-filled room
When my heart couldn't possibly grasp the reality of death

I knew where you were going.

I knew that the weight of God's glory was shining upon your face. I knew that His presence was radiating into your soul. I knew that He was speaking to you. I knew that He was preparing you to enter into eternity.

When I held your lifeless frame
When I looked at my sweet friend Bethany's face, looking for some sort of hope
When she gasped and felt my pain
When I waited as they placed your body in a box
When I walked outside into the sunlight and wondered where the Son was
When I fell down on my knees weeping with an unimaginable pain in my heart
When I cried out to God saying, "eli eli lama sabacthani [my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?]"
When many Haitians gathered around me on that hot pavement
When I began to walk away from that dreadful place
When I held your precious self for hours
When I shed a thousand tears and felt they still weren't enough

I knew where you were.

I knew that Heaven gained a precious soul. I knew that angels upon angels were rejoicing at your still small voice beginning to speak for the first time. I knew that Jesus sought your soul and found you. I knew that He Alone was rescuing you from the grave. I knew that you were in the presence of the Great One.

When we gathered around the hole
When we prayed as sisters and brothers
When I felt the Body of Christ
When we sang "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me"
When I kissed you for the last time in this world
When we placed you in your earthly dwelling place
When the clouds surrounded the sun and it seemed to shine directly on you
When I planted sunflowers on your grave

I knew where you found rest.

I knew that Jesus had said 2000 years ago that He had gone ahead to prepare a place for us

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” [John 14:1-4]

I knew that you had been set free to love Jesus with all He enabled you to love Him with. I knew that you were dancing before Him, with many tribes of people. I knew that they saw you my precious daughter as a perfect representative of your beloved country, Haiti. I knew once you were in the eternal presence of God, you would no longer remember the pain you suffered in this world.

When I didn't sleep for days 
When I was thinking of you every day this past year
When I trembled at the pain of losing you
When Jesus reminded me of His Sacrifice
When our Father reminded me of His Grace
When the Holy Spirit reminded me of His power

I remembered you are in Paradise.

You, my Sister, my beloved Child, the second love of my life, I must set you free to enjoy your Savior. I must set you free that I may live in joy. I must set you free to rejoice in your Father. I must set you free to Dance for all eternity with your Eternal Love.

And O My Precious Love, how I long for that day when I will be reunited with you and my Savior to worship in Freedom and full glorification. 

Jesus, my soul waits longingly, expectantly for your return. Please Jesus may this Word reach the thousands out there who have lost a child, who have suffered the extreme pain that your Father experienced when He saw His Son upon the cross, and heard you cry, "Eli Eli lama sabachthani."

Let me never forget the ultimate Love that was shown upon that Cross.
Oh how great you are my Beloved Jesus.

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