Tuesday, May 22, 2012

She cannot go where you are going


She cannot go where you are going, but I know you want her to.


"Behold I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Beware of men, for they will deliver you over to courts and flog you in their synagogues, and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them and the Gentiles." Matthew 10:16-18


The Monday night after Ella Grace passed away I remember losing it. I remember crying so hard my eyes couldn’t shut. I remember falling into the arms of my Haitian mom, Jasmine. I remember screaming at her saying, “I want her back I want her back.” And she looked at me and said, “the Lord is telling me to tell you something about where you are right now. He wants me to tell you something important that you need to hear to understand what is next in your life.”

-I have been wondering this for the past month and a half. I have been wondering what my hands were created to do. I have been wondering where the Lord is calling me. I have wondered how Ella Grace’s life and death have changed me. I have wondered what my identity is now that this season of my life has come and passed. I have wondered what exactly it means to have been a mother for 6 weeks. I have wondered what it means for me to have this deep longing in my heart to be a mother again. I have wondered if I will lose another child in my lifetime. I have wondered if I have been responding to her death in the ‘right’ and ‘godly’ way. I have wondered my heart away.-
And when I return maybe then I will see I can love again.

Jasmine continued telling me,” The Lord wanted me to tell you, Ella Grace can’t go where you are going. Her frail little body could not go to the places you will go and see. She had to go before you to your eternal home. She is waiting for you there, but you have work left to do for the Kingdom.”

My heart screams, “no, I WANT HER TO GO WITH ME.”

The Spirit within me screams, “greater things have yet to come. Rest my child, He is building you up and sending you out. Be in peace my Love as you know a time is coming when you will experience hardship, suffering, pain and affliction again and I will rejuvenate you for that time.”

 "come now, you who say, "today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "if the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." James 4:13-15


I walked through the children’s section of a department store a little while after I had returned home, I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I was alone and I knew I wouldn’t have to tell anybody. I wanted to cry, I wanted to walk through those aisles and look at all of the adorable clothes I could picture my baby girl in. I wanted to look at the beautiful cribs I could picture her sleeping in. But as I walked I spoke to the Lord. I told Him, it isn’t fair, it isn’t right, this wasn’t supposed to happen, she was supposed to be here with me. He listened as I went on and on talking about what I believed about what had happened. But soon He changed my heart. I began to desire a child again. I began to long for a child to hold. I began to desire to bear a child and to see her raised in the beautiful ways of the Lord. I began to desire a husband. And then as I realized the last thought I had I repented because I thought it was a bad thing for me to desire a husband. The Lord calmly said to me, “my love it is not wrong to desire a husband, in fact I have created a very endearing desire inside of a woman’s heart to long to serve someone whom I have created for you, and it is not wrong for you to desire a child, that too I have placed inside your being, but today you must be patient. Today you must know I am preparing your heart and your soul for something greater then you could ever expect. I am preparing your mind for the knowledge and the wisdom I shall give you to serve your husband in complete selflessness knowing I am the one who has perfectly drawn you two together. I am preparing your soul to feel the love I gave you for Ella Grace again, to love my children that I place temporarily in your tender care. But be patient my child. Stop longing for the season that is to come and see the season you are in, I am reviving you. I am quieting your tender soul, teaching you the things which are most important to spend  your breath saying and I am withholding your tongue when you long to say things that are unnecessary to say. Watch, learn, pay attention, I am near  to you.”

I sit here on my bed knowing and feeling the Lord reviving me.

About a week ago I slept through the whole night for the first time since Ella Grace has been gone. I ate 3 meals for the first time since Ella Grace has been gone, and I have felt “alive” again. But these past 3 and a half weeks have come with a lot of pain and confusion. There has been spiritual oppression like I have never felt before, emotional turmoil, and physical weakness that I have never felt before.

I have come to an awareness that there is truly nothing in this world which can enter into eternity with us. I have realized my soul alone returns home after my earthly flesh has passed away. I realized that nothing that I want to hold onto is really able to stay with me for forever. And after coming to this empty place, gazing only upon what is left in my heart, Jesus Christ, I know it changes my identity. I know I am a completely different person, that is the person I am looking for now.

I see my heart in a million different pieces on the floor, and I only know One Healer, I know One Restorer, and I know One Worthy.

May my life my 22 years of life be a reflection of the glory and Gospel of Jesus Christ alone, to Him belongs all honor and praise into eternity.

"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth 
you will bring me up again."
Psalm 71:20

Sovereign Prayers

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8:26, 27 ESV)


Reflecting on the glory of God this morning as I read my prayer journal from April 15, 2011 exactly one year before Ella Grace passed away. I thought I would share with you all some parts of my prayers that day as a testimony to how the Lord prepares our hearts and hears our prayers even one year before I would hold my dying child.
First Lord I praise you for all of the hearts of those who will read this post and I pray that as they read this they will not see me but will stand in your presence knowing it is you who speaks through us and it is Jesus Christ living inside of us who intercedes on our behalf.
April 15, 2011 6:45 am Destin, Florida (watching the sunrise):
Oh praise Him, oh praise Him, praise you my Beloved for this glorious morning on the beach as the waves crash patiently softly quietly against the shore. I know you have me here for a reason Lordand I know I will. Be able to experience this on the beach in Haiti. I can't wait for that day even though I know it will be here before I know it. Lord send me out when you know I need to be sent out do not let my feet get faster then you are calling me. Teach me patience in your calling and your sending will. Thank you for the warmth of the sun above the buildings. Thank you for providing love unspeakable. Thank you for providing me with joy that will last through the ages, a joy that will never fail me. A love so overwhelmingly good that I could never attempt to repay you. My flesh faints and the beautiful Spirit inside my heart parts my flesh and writes with you my Father in perfect matrimony that He, you oh Lord, may be made once more glorious and that through many sons of glory coming to know you. You are beckoning me my savior to the cross gently to my knees as you convict me daily of my lostness and your wrath and then peacefully as the sun has risen you tell me you have yet again forgiven me. Praise be to you my God my Father thank you for creating this life, for not leaving me in the pit but drawing me out to be with you. I don't want to long for anyone or anything else apart from You.

Lord can I fully even grasp the intensity of your love?

Can I fully comprehend your grace so full and sufficient?

Can you please continue to speak to me?

Please continue to speak to loud even through the trial and suffering I may go through. I look gratefully to the day you may allow me to suffer for your glory and your renown. And I will look faithfully back at this moment when I knew you could not possibly be any closer then you are right now. You, my Savior are closer then my skin.

Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again! All I need is you. You own the universe you own everyone on earth.

In Jesus' sacrificial blood, and the grace of God I pray, Amen

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Hour of God has Struck

“Believing that further delay would be sinful, some of God’s insignificants and nobodies in particular, but trusting in our Omnipotent God, have decided on certain simple lines, according to the Book of God, to make a definite attempt to render the evangelization of the world an accomplished fact... Too long have we been waiting for one another to begin! The time for waiting is past! The hour of God has struck! In God’s holy name let us arise and build! We will not build on the sand, but on the bedrock sayings of Christ, and the gates and minions of hell shall not prevail against us. Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, aye, before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God, we will venture our all for Him, we will live and we will die for Him, and we will do it with His joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come to this position the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight. We will have the real Holiness of God, not the sickly stuff of talk and dainty words and pretty thoughts; we will have a Masculine Holiness,

one of daring faith and works for Jesus Christ.” C.T. Studd

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My hands are empty

My hands are empty, His hands are full.


Photo by: Rhyan Buettner

And His glorious presence will ever consume my baby's beautiful spiritual body. He will forever be before her, and she will forever be bowed to Him.


My arms are lost with what to hold.
My eyes are weak from tears cried.
My mind is restless with dreams unfinished.
My heart is full of a love incomparable.
My mouth is filled with praise unending.
My feet are fueled by a grace unsurmountable.
My face is covered with joy unspeakable.


And my God is not dead He is surely alive, He is living on the inside roaring like a lion.

Now I see, that really my Father was looking out for His daughters. I see that He in His sovereign grace called a beautiful girl named Ella Grace home, that He may allow His other daughter to witness and experience a new fellowship with Christ on earth.

She is safe in His arms, and I am here longing to be in His arms, but completely satisfied with His persistent Love.

If I were to wish Ella Grace back to earth, I would not only be wishing her away from eternal glory, but I would be wishing myself away from an intimate fellowship with Jesus. Had it been up to me, Ella Grace would still be here, and I would have never been able to feel the sufferings of the Father in Jesus Christ, as He surrendered His Son to a sinful lost world. In death she has left. In life she has risen.

He has unrivaled affection in my heart, but He has blessed me beyond measure with an undefinable love for my beautiful daughter. To fellowship in His sufferings is a gift I have long awaited, and now that it has come I must with no reservations continue to share the Gospel with all I encounter.

He asked me to give up my final straw, my earthly love. He asked me to surrender the best gift aside from salvation, that He has ever given me. And now I have seen that there is nothing in this life that I can hold on to. For I am sure that neither life, nor death, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. 8:38-39

Don't hold on to your life, trust me, it's worth losing for the sake of Christ.

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."1 Thess. 4:13-14

"And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Rom 8:23-24

And He said to him, "truly I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise." Luke 23:43

"In that sudden, strange transition,
By what new and finer sense
Shall she grasp the mighty vision,
And receive its influence?
Angels! Guard the new immortal
Through the wonder-teeming space
To the everlasting portal,
To the Spirit's resting-place!

Will she there no fond emotion,
Nought of early love retain?
Or, absorbed in pure devotion,
Will no mortal trace remain?
Can the grave those ties dissever,
With the very heart-strings twined?
Must she part, and part for ever,
With the friend she leaves behind?

No; the past she still remembers; 
Faith and hope, surviving too,
Ever watch those sleeping embers,
Which must rise and live anew;

For the mother's, lonely spirit
[Waits] till she be clothed afresh,
Longs perfection to inherit,
And to triumph in the flesh."

Ker