Monday, April 16, 2012

This little Light of Mine

Jesus, have great mercy upon my soul as I cling to the cross and allow the Spirit's words to flow from my timid hands. You are greater, you are stronger. May these words reach those who do not know you Father, and may you call their names.

For a moment grace seems within reach, God seems so near and close to the heart of my baby. And then for a second He seems so distance so far away, almost not paying attention, and I yell, “WAKE UP GOD AND PAY ATTENTION TO MY BABY.”

Yesterday I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong. The Lord spoke to me and asked me to fast. I asked Him what for? And He spoke sweet words to my ears, “my love pray for your love, Ella Grace.” As I began to start my Sunday morning I quickly picked up Ella Grace and felt her warm body. I noticed her hands and feet felt really cold and her body was warm. I thought it was because we had a cold night so I wrapped her in my blanket and rocked her to sleep. She lay on my lap for an hour before church started. I put her church dress on and went outside. She seemed to be really dazed and out of it but I believed it was just going to be a bad day for her. I kept in the back of my mind that the Lord had asked me to fast on her behalf that day. The rest of the church service was a blur. Ella Grace wasn’t drinking and eating, and before I knew it Ryan was holding her and then ran into the kitchen with her. My heart panicked, as I tried to grasp what was happening. Rhyan told me we needed to take her to the hospital because it was an emergency. I praise God for Rhyan having all of the experience she has had with malnourished sick children because I would not have known where to go, or what move to make. We finally made it to the emergency room at Sans Frontiers (the doctors without borders hospital). We watched as the nurses and doctors surrounded her trying to put an IV in her tiny body. Eventually they did not want Rhyan and I gathered around her so they made us walk outside. I think I was oblivious to what was really going on with Ella Grace until Rhyan told me it was not good. My heart longed to not believe her, but my mind was attempting to grasp the truth. I wept as I thought about the possibility of her not being with me that evening. I wept about all the things I thought might happen. And I desperately begged the Lord to restore her body. But something in my heart, the Spirit, I suppose, was keeping me at a distance. They eventually moved her out of the emergency room and into the children’s room.

 I sat upon a bed next to my sweet daughter, praying for her recovery in hope because they had finally moved her out of the emergency room. Rhyan and Wes had just left the room and I sat on her bed wondering how many hours I would spend next to my sweet daughter in the hospital. I also began to wonder how I was going to leave her in a couple of weeks to go home. So many thoughts ran through my mind, then I looked down at her while holding her hand and realized she was no longer breathing.  Life had gone away from her. I began to yell at the nurses in English to come help my precious girl, and nobody seemed to be reacting frantically. The nurses seemed at ease but my heart was furiously pleading for her life. The nurses quickly realized Ella Grace had passed away. My world literally came tumbling down. Everything I once thought I knew about life and death was gone. I couldn’t grasp anything but my poor baby’s lifeless body. I screamed and cried at the thought that she was no longer there. As I held her upon my shoulder the world I once thought I cared about, no longer mattered. My focus was completely upon that moment, the Lord’s grace, and my sweet Ella Grace. I shook with terror trying to comprehend what had just happened, and failing, I realized I couldn’t comprehend. She came into this sinful lost world and she left in 18 few months. The first 16 months of her life were lived in suffering, pain, and neglect, and for 6 weeks she had the opportunity to live the life of a princess. She heard the Gospel whispered in her ear. She was rocked to sleep. She was loved beyond her own comprehension. She was sick, and weak, yet so ALIVE. Her laugh and her smile conquered boundaries, and her glistening eyes brought Light directly into my soul. She became my daughter, and I became her mother. She taught me to love unconditionally, and pray without ceasing. She taught me to scream to the Lord when my heart longs to scream. She taught me to search the Word to know how to raise her. She taught me humility. She taught me persistence. She taught me true unrelenting love. She taught me to understand the fleeting nature of life. She taught me to appreciate life every second of every day. She taught me to pay attention, and seek the Lord’s will in every moment. She taught me obedience despite comfort. It seems, she taught me more then I deserved to learn, and for that I praise and thank my sweet Jesus Christ.

Now she reigns with the Man I long to be near. Now she dances upon the souls of those who knew her. Now the memories begin to fade, and her love lingers. Now I pray the strength of He who took her from me, may replace this deep void in my heart, with unrelenting joy. I pray He may again be my everything. I pray this terrible space, which I am floating in may move away and I may enter again into the Holy Places. I pray I again move onto the mountain that seems so high up, and impossible to reach.

"But our citizenship is in Heaven and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like His glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself." Philippians 3:20-21

Ella Grace, I am devastated that you are not here with me anymore, but you are my beloved child for eternity, you are my little Light.

1 comment:

  1. I'm very sorry for your loss. I appreciate what you & Rhyan do in Haiti for the children. I'm thankful that God brought Ella Grace to you so she could know His Love & a Mothers Love too.
    Janet Camp
    GA foster Mom