Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I don’t want to talk about you like you are not in the room

I don’t want to talk about you like you are not in the room, I want to look right at you, I want to sing right to you.

Oh to be in His Holy presence, it must be the best feeling any one person could ever feel. And to think that I might have chosen a different path and would not be where I am right now. The Lord has done so much work on my heart in the past 6 months that I cannot even begin to describe how good He is. I want to just shout how Good He is from the rooftops for all to hear…so this is my attempt to allow as many people as this blog reaches to hear what He can and will do in a sinner’s heart.

The idea of going to Haiti was sort of a silly little idea this time last year after the earthquake happened my heart started pounding harder every time I talked about wanting to go to Hait…little did I know that He would send me. As I was praying about my Christmas break I knew I wanted to go on a mission trip, and I knew the Lord would send me, I just had no idea where that would be. Brett mentioned to me a team would be going to Haiti over Christmas break. I quickly became excited and could see the provision of the Lord, for it being an entire year that I had even thought about going to Haiti, because my parents thought I was crazy when I first mentioned it. As I went to the Lord He released a beautiful peace of scripture to my heart about Haiti:

“Why, O lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? In arrogance the wicked hotly pursue the poor; let them be caught in the schemes that they have devised. For the wicked boasts of the desires of his soul, and the one greedy for gain curses and renounces the Lord. In the pride of his face the wicked does not seek him; all his thoughts are, ‘There is no God.’ His ways prosper at all times; your judgments are on high, out of his sight; as for all his foes, he puffs at them. He says in his heart, “I shall not be moved; throughout all generations I shall not meet adversity.” His mouth is filled with cursing and deceit and oppression; under his tongue are mischief and iniquity. He sits in ambush in the villages; in hiding places he murders the innocent. His eyes stealthily watch for the helpless; he lurks in ambush like a lion in his thicket; he lurks that he may seize the poor; he seizes the poor when he draws him into his net. The helpless are crushed, sink down, and fall by his might. He says in his hear, “God has forgotten, he has hidden his face, he will never see it.” Arise, O Lord; O God, lift up your hand; forget not the afflicted. Why does the wicked renounce God and say in his hear, “you will not call to account”? But you do see for you not mischief and vexation, that you may take it into your hands; to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless. Break the arm of the wicked and evil-doer; call his wickedness to account till you find none. The Lord is king forever and ever; the nations perish from his land. O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.” Psalm 10

Can we, may we rest in His blessed assurance that He hears the cries of the people of Haiti. He has not ignored them, He will redeem them. Because the Lord led me to Haiti through His grace, I must attempt to put into words the things I felt, knew, learned, smelt, heard, and loved in that place. There were things that made me weep, as well as things that gave me more joy then anything in this world could ever give me. Hallelujah!

There is this little girl named Catinie, who I believe along with Jesus and obviously after Jesus is the love of my life. I do not know if the Lord has or will call me to adopt her, but I can tell you that my heart has never loved a person like I love her! She is a 5 year old little girl who weighs about 30 or 40 pounds. She looks like a baby, she doesn’t speak, and she doesn’t walk, but the Spirit of the Lord radiates more love from her body then one could ever imagine! When she was born her parents selfishly according to voodoo practices stuck her in ice-cold water, which stunted the growth of her brain, and ultimately her heart and lungs. Her legs are just as skinny and long as can be, and when her heart desires she wraps them around you like a monkey and squeezes your neck so hard, like she will never ever let go. Its hard to put into words what a precious little girl she is, or to explain the presence of the Spirit when you are around her, but she is a child of our most High God. Throughout the week we became closer and closer to each other, and the Lord taught me how to love somebody completely unconditionally. As I washed her dirty bum after she had beans for lunch, I began to love her in a new way. There is absolutely nothing in this world that she can do that would possibly make me not love her. As my love for her grew throughout the week my burden for her grew. The Lord wrecked my heart and showed me the most terrifying and beautiful things I have ever seen. He showed me what it means to not be loved by God to be sent to eternal suffering, and what it means to be adopted as a child of God. He opened my eyes to a world of sinners and lost people, and showed me how much His heart desires for all of his children to come to Him. And this is our promise:

You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4:4)

And we know we are children of God because the Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. (Romans 8:16)

And we may know and rejoice when the Spirit connects to the spirit inside of us, and we become aware of our adoption as children of God. Catinie’s big beautiful eyes look up to the sky and she holds out her hand
and reaches for something that no one can see. She reaches for the presence of the Lord, as she looks into His eyes, and I become a bystander in the beautiful scene of her reaching to the Heavens. And her eyes light up, she smiles, and she drowns in His love and mercy and exclaims by providing a hug from the Lord, explaining to me without words that there is a God so big, that He wants to envelop us all with his love. And she does not need words, I would not change her for the world, because her little mouth could not proclaim all the love that He has shown her. And so there Catinie sits, in my lap amazed at the world around her, loving the God she serves in the way she serves Him, by sharing His love. And as we spend time in worship with Catinie in my hands I sing to my Savior, and there is absolutely NO WHERE in this world that I would rather be. No where that I could ever feel this close to Him, this madly in love with Him, this presence, overwhelms my soul, and I have to exclaim with everything in me how AWESOME He is. Not because I got to go to another country, not because I am so amazing to go serve in Haiti, only by his sovereign mercy and grace was I given the divinely appointed time to serve my most Holy Father, in such a beloved beautiful country.

And then the time came, I had to walk away from this unconditional love that I found in Catinie. I sang to her and held her, I cherished every moment I had left with her, but I could not wrap my head around the love of my God to send me to that place. As I stood in the babys’ room holding her tight, tears streamed down my face, and for one moment she was not giving me a hug or touching my hair. She looked me straight in the eyes touched my chin softly and then wiped the tears away from my face. And in that moment as I looked into the face of Jesus, I saw straight to Him, and praised Him straight to His face. “You have said, “seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek. (Psalm 27:8)” And I fell deeply in love with my Lord, into a world of no return. There is no choice of mine that I could ever make, but only what the Lord leads me to, and He brought me to that place. When you know you are in the right place, you know you are in the presence of the Lord, you know there is no where else you would rather be, you know that His love fulfills any desire that we could ever have. And my desires quickly become His desires, and I am taken into a world of Spiritual blessing, a world of seeing the Savior face to face daily. How blessed can I be Lord, how close can I come to you. And then that was not it. I walked over to the fire where all of the older children and the team were sitting and roasting marshmallows. It was a quieter night then normal, as many of the kids began to realize that we were leaving. As I held Ann’s (one of the older girls) hand, I felt the Spirit renewing my soul for a conversation Jasmine and I were about to have. After we put the older children to bed, Jasmine (the brains behind the orphanage) and I sat on a bench somewhat away from everybody else. I held her hand and the Lord said to me, “this is your mother, not your biological mother, not a mother of this world, a mother of my world, a spiritual mother.” As she wrapped her hand around mine, I felt the Spirit inside of us connecting so close that we could feel God next to us. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forever more. Psalm 16:11 She explained to me that when the Spirit recognizes itself in another person, we are taken to a deeper more personal relationship with that person. Boy oh boy did that Spirit inside of me run to the Spirit inside of her, and the Lord spoke over us and to us through each other. We shared the things the Lord had placed on our hearts, and dwelt in His presence for what seemed and felt like eternity, but was still not long enough. And now, as I pray that the Lord sends me back to Haiti, to Operation Love the Children of Haiti, I must ask that the Lord does not send me or anybody else from our team out of any selfish gain or selfish desires, but in His faithfulness, that He might renew a passion in our souls for Haiti, and provide an opportunity for us to go.

“Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of our foes, to still the enemy and the avenger.” (Psalm 8:2)

Those children are the future of Haiti, and as the Lord calls them they will remain in His steadfast love, and grow up a country of Christ-followers. The Lord will give them strength against all of their enemies and pursuers.

And although the return is tough, it is nothing that the Spirit cannot handle. The idea of adopting Catinie has consumed my thoughts, and I greatly desire to remain in the Lord’s will. If He asks, I will, with or without a husband. I will love that child with no conditions. I will love her here in the United States. I will remain faithful to my Lord’s calling to pray for her, to pray for the Lord to send a family to adopt her. And how much joy, I cannot comprehend when a family goes to Haiti to pick her up one day. The Lord has captured my heart, and in my dreams I am holding my precious Catinie, and dancing with my beautiful Savior, and of course there is no where in this world that I would rather be, and one day, when I get to experience that, I will have no regrets, I will not look back, I will look forward and continue to praise my Savior throughout eternity.