Tuesday, June 8, 2010

macs or scrubs?

It might seem ridiculous to some for me to say that getting into nursing school is suffering for me. I had it all planned out. I was just going to stick to doing graphic design at the new school (samford) that I have just fallen in love with. I was getting excited about starting painting and intro to computer graphics at Jeff State this summer, until all of a sudden, after meeting with an advisor at Samford, he told me they don’t accept those classes from jeff state. Failure numero uno just happened: I registered for classes that wouldn’t even count towards a degree at Samford. Then I dropped out of those classes and hoped I would be able to take drawing. Failure numero dos: you can’t take drawing two until you have taken drawing one. So now, I have found myself taking a class at Samford called: Missiology. It is the study of missions in every possible way you can study it! It is the most incredible class I have ever taken, I am engaged and feel close with the Spirit every time I walk into the classroom. I wake up on Monday morning happy to go to class! And the best part about it….there are only 5 people in the class! That’s a change from the 200 people classes at Auburn. My professor asks for prayer requests and we actually open up the class with a prayer! I have never felt so free to speak about God in a classroom! Even in my religious studies classes at Auburn I did not feel free enough to speak about what God had been doing in my life or what I was stressed out about, and now I actually have my whole class praying for the decision I have to make! At certain times throughout this week my heart has picked up speed, not just when I run but when I am sitting down thinking about what I am going to choose. My mind has completely overwhelmed itself with 24/7 thoughts of pros and cons of graphic design verses nursing. I can’t wait to work on the computer and design a banner for the Wesley foundation, I can’t wait to design a t-shirt for Tiger Splashers, and I especially can’t wait to design a video for Sozo Children International. So what does that mean? It is my passion. I found my “niche” so to speak! Does that mean I am supposed to sacrifice all of the work I have completed so far for nursing and pursue a degree that will take me another 3.5 years to complete? Or am I supposed to finish my degree in nursing and work in a hospital for the rest of my life. Logically, nursing is great to have for missions, because obviously health is a need anywhere in the world, but does that mean it is for me? NO. absolutely not. Everything that has happened up to this point in my life is preparing me for something. Maybe I didn’t get into auburn because there is somebody I need to reach out to at UAB. Maybe I fell in love with Samford because there is somebody at Samford I need to reach out to. Maybe my essay for my UAB application reached out to the people reading it at UAB and that was all I was supposed to do. Maybe I just needed to hear what Dr. Barnette had to say about missions and that is why I am at Samford right now. Maybe there are too many options and it is overwhelming me. My brain is turning and twisting in ways that I never imagined it could. I am consuming every one’s opinion while trying to put together what God has in mind for my life and it ISN’T WORKING. I wish I could erase all of the opinions I have received, and I wish I could just sit in silence not hearing anything in my mind and just know that He is God, that He is here, that He has His hand on my life, and that He cares about the decision He knows I am going to make. I can’t hear Him right now because I am too busy trying to listen to everybody else. My gma wants me to go to nursing school, and so does my mom, my sister thinks it is more logical to go to nursing school because I want to be a missionary, my dad wants me to do what God wants me to do (but I don’t know what that is), Van thinks I should do graphic design because he knows I am more passionate about it, Megan doesn’t care but I am pretty sure she thinks I should do nursing, Kayla wants me to do nursing because it is what she is doing and we could work together, Leslie wants me to do what God wants me to do, Lizzy and Jordan want me to do nursing (I assume) because that is what they are doing. But none of these people understand. It’s not like nursing outweighs graphic design or vice versa. I am on ground zero with both of them, I evenly desire to do both. Either way, if God is deciding to leave this one up to me, and He is not going to give me a clear answer….I think I might go crazy. But if I look to the scriptures, it says, “Each of you should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:11). Straight up interpreting that for what it is (which is not easy) I believe my gift is creatively creating pieces of art which portray the mercy of God through pictures, video, and advertisements. It may sound like a dream it may sound dumb, and it may sound un-realistic but I know it is a gift I have been given. But if I were to say right now that that is the decision I am making, I don’t have peace about it. I do not have an overwhelming peace that transpires all understanding.

I mean does it even make since that I could lay in my bed right now crying my eyes out just because I am terrified of making the wrong decision, knowing that it is impossible for me to make the “wrong decision?” MY heart is breaking every time I think about it because nursing has become such a chore to me and seeing my self as a graphic designer 3.5 years from now seems impossible? I am lost I don’t know which way to turn. I thought my suffering was over when I chose to go to Samford. Who knew that finding out I got into UAB would be awful news. O how blessed I am to have my God show me mercy by sending me that letter. O how joyful I am to know that I may suffer for the ultimate glory of my Father. O how I dread and love this decision that God has so eagerly placed in front of me. I love my Father so dearly and aim to fulfill His will for the sake of His glory whether that means by graphic design or nursing. I dare myself to obedience, that I may successfully surrender my life to my Father day after day. O, how I long to be my Father’s child, over and over again, as I wake in the morning to know I have been adopted by the ultimate most beautiful Creator. He has knit my life into a wonderful quilt, and although Ihave no idea where I am going or where I will end up, I know that I am following somebody who knows exactly where I am going, and because of that I will continue to seek until I find His one true will for my life. And once I see that one true will, I promise to continue to follow in His footsteps as a faithful worshipper that I may one day sit in front of Him and be judged, to hear Him say, “well done my good and faithful servant.”